i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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