ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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