He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
