im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
