Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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