...so i touched it.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
