Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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