Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
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She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
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Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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