just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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