new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
