I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
