We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
