is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
