I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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