My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
