then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
