I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
