I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
