a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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