1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
