how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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