You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
