i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
