Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
