I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
