I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
