I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
