What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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