Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
