I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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