last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila