my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
