wrigley field is MILF paradise
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
