i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
