Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
