We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
