I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
