she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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