Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize