sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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