I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
