boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
