you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
