The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
