people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
