I smell stomach acid.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
