Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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