I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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