I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
...so i touched it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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