My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
