she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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