so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
