How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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