Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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