Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Every concussion has its silver lining
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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