Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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