Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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