I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
