I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
