I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
