I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
