Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
