I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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